Wow! My Husband Had a Heart Attack!

Having ADHD makes me very good in crisis, so I don't freak out when faced with crisis. Maybe it's because the adrenalin rush sends the proper amount of dopamine to the correct parts of my brain. I'm not sure how it all works in my brain, I only know that I can make better, quicker and clearer decisions when crisis strikes. The fact that I grew up in chaos most likely helps.
So my husband has a heart attack at 4 am on a Friday morning and I'm just being very efficient and sequential. He was vomiting so I got him a bucket and got him to the car; I came inside and reasured the kids and asked the older one to put the younger one back to bed; I got dressed and made sure I had my wallet and his for all his health information; then I got him to the hospital. For him, this must have been the longest 7 minutes of his life. For me, I had to make sure everything else was ok so I could focus on him without worry. At the hospital, I was in quiet mode. I just kept reminding him to take deep breaths, let go of his body and to focus on God. I'm told that not everyone can seperate themselves from their body not to feel pain. I can. I think I've been able to do that since I was young. That's why I don't often feel pain. I can overfocus on something and forget everything around me. I can take a mental voyage and bring myself to my safe place where nothing can touch me or reach me. It's something I have had to stop doing if I wanted real relationships with people. It's been a process to learn how to accept and deal with pain. My 12 step program, Celebrate Recovery, has helped me with that. "Accept the things I cannot change".
So the Friday of the heart attack and the Saturday after, I didn't allow myself to feel anything. I had mental lists to take care of to ensure everyone and everything would be taken care of and my husband would not worry about anything.
Day three I felt exhausted and like I was ready to burst. No one had been there for me. In spite of all the well wishes and prayers offered, no one was physically there for me. That first day, I was so hungry just waiting around at the hospital, no one came with food. My mom would probably have, but she's older, can't drive and has MS. In the movies people are always in the waiting room, ready to feed you, to organize the kids and to let you cry on their shoulder. No one was there to let me cry on their shoulder. I felt like I didn't have permission to cry. So I had a reality check. People with ADHD often live in fantasy. So that day, I went to visit my husband at the hospital and just cried and cried and cried. I am wondering if that was too much stress for a man who just had a heart attack. So I am having to re-evaluate my thoughts on isolation. I would rather be alone than with people. The only person in the world that I trust to accept and love me as I am is my husband. Maybe that's too much for one man to take. He suggested many women in my life whom he felt would be good to cry with. On my way home, I just couldn't imagine what to say or how to approach someone to just sit and cry. The fact remains that I may have to build a deeper friendship with another woman. I may have to learn to trust someone else. I have been trying for four years. My ADHD has caused many people in my life growing up, to reject and hurt me, and to take advantage of me. Totally trusting is hard.
Yesterday, I was feeling resentful about it. I had to remind myself that not everyone has the impulses, the boldness and the intensity that I have. I wonder if people were afraid to come and sit with me. I don't know but it made me so grateful that I have ADHD. It also made me realize that I too have probably fallen short on just sitting with someone in need. Next time someone is waiting for a loved one at the hospital, I will do my best to show up with food and just sit there. I am learning that being builds a relationship while doing often builds walls.
Diane F.