ADHD and Losing Control

Ahhh! It's good to be back. So much has happened since my husband's heart attack almost 11 months ago. I won't even try to catch up.
I will tell you that my husband's heart attack changed my perspective of who the real me is; of who my real friends are; and of what my real fears are.
My biggest fear is having to live in the real world. As realistic as I am, I love to appreciate the little things in life. It's like my real joys I find in simple things that happen, mostly when I am alone. I am finding that being with people is usually some level of work. I don't feel permitted to be myself with most people. All of my life, I have heard comments such as; stay still, relax, calm down, grow-up, slow down, stop talking, stop cutting me off when I am speaking, can you listen?!, stop twitching and so on. Those messages have NEVER helped me in any way. They have just made me feel unacceptable, unloved, misunderstood, unimportant and mostly insignificant. I have fought a constant battle to feel good about myself. All of those lies people inputted into my brain have not served me well. I have spent years believing and feeding them, until I found out that the Bible holds the promises that God has made to every human being...including me. God made me this way, because he needed me on earth to complete the human race. Each one of us is carefully planned out in God's mind...right down to the last detail. He knows how many hairs are on each of our heads and he actually gathers up all of our tears in a jar. I imagine my jar is absolutely bigger than any jar I can imagine. He is an appochable, loving and extremely graceful Parent. Not at all like the God of limits and condemnation I was taught about. I don't want to preach so I'll get on with my story. Just know that I DO matter...a lot. So do you. The Bible and accepting God as my best friend are the two things that have built me up. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I walk in a bubble of love 24/7, just because God won't take it away. What more can I ask for?! I can't shrug that off. I can't ignore it! I feel it and walk in it no matter what's going on or how I feel. I know who I am in Christ. My job is to find out who others are in Christ so I can love them the way Christ loves me. CAN YOU EVEN WRAP YOUR HEAD AROUND THAT!!! It blows my mind.
In December 2008, I decided to stop taking Biphentin. I did extremely well on it for a year as the doctor gradually increased my dosage to 60mgs. At 60mgs, I was feeling sad, hurt, weepy...I was depressed. I would start to cry for nothing. I was also experiencing anxiety. The third week of my new dose, I realized I needed to go back down to 50mg. Of course, the good doctor thought I should remain on 60mg of Biphentin and add an antidepressant to my meds. How dumb is that! I had to insist that he lower my dose which he did, and the depression went away within a few days; however the anxiety came and went. It bothered me a lot and I didn't want to stay on medication all of my life. I thought maybe I could take all of the great listening skills, relaxation techniques, organizational patterns I had developed while on medication and apply them to my life without the medication. Are there any other ADHDers who see the logic of this? Surely I'm not alone.
So in December of 2008, I took myself off medication. I decided I would make sure to get my 5000ml of Omega3 fish oils per day, I would exercise vigorously at least 1 hour every morning to get my dopamine rush to clear my mind and I would be fine.
It worked well for a few months then gradually, old patterns creeped back into my life. The past month I've been a mess. I have been under a lot of pressure at work. I'm a Teacher/filler in of wholes. I haven't been sleeping as well. That's never good. My mind is racing on and off again. I cut people off when they are speaking even if I really want to hear what they have to say. My attention span is almost non-existant. AAAAAHHHHHHH! I hate that! I can't seem to pace my time, my focus or my plans. I am starting to feel like I frustrate a lot of people around me, especially my spouce. Notice that it's my perception...when I'm in chaos mode, I don't feel very good about myself. When coming across things I really believe in, I over-focus on them and forget everything else I am doing or have planned. I can't find peace inside my mind.
Tonight, I just want to cry and be held by God. I need more reasurance that everything will be ok, than any human being can give me. Do you ever feel that way?! I am so greatful I have my parents, God. No that's not a mistake. God is neither man or woman. He is Spirit; everything encompassed in man and woman. I don't feel like there is anyone I can speak to about this or go to for understanding and reasurance. If you're reading this and you have an ADD, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Thanks for understanding.
I'm sorry I don't have a better solution for you. I'm going back on Biphentin tomorrow. I can't stand to be with myself and that's never good. I'm just happy I know there is a drug that can help me function and enjoy my life. Imagine being sick and every day, you get worse. It could last for years with no cure in sight. My friend Ken died of cancer in the brain. My friend Charlie died of AIDS. OK! I'm being a suck about having ADHD and having to take meds. I reread this and I see that I'm so dramatic. It's part of my passion which us ADDers call over-focus.
Please pray for me. Pray that I get to write on here once a week. I don't really know why I blog. I am compelled to do it thinking it might help someone. Hopefully you.
Feel free to leave me a comment or to email me.
I really wish you a day filled with peace.
Diane