ADHD: Intimacy vs. Closeness

Do you ever have that sense of just wanting to latch onto someone and never letting them go? Do you ever have that deep desire to feel a warm body beside you so desperately, that you would convince yourself that this person cares about you, knowing deep down they really don't? I've experienced this so many times in my life and it's gotten worse as I have gotten older.
I thought it was because I had this deep need for true heart to heart intimacy and men just couldn't handle that. WRONG!!! I have found men with ADHD who feel that way too and they get used and abused by women just like I have gotten used and abused by men. Now I'm thinking it's related to ADHD so I want to share my findings with you.
Before I begin, let me remind you that I can only speak from my own personal experiences and from what other ADHDers in my circle, have revealed to me.
First, it appears to be that people with ADHD are more opened about their real feelings. The expression, "You wear your heart on your sleeve" applies to us. Second, for those of us who struggle with impulsive behavoiur, it's easy to blurt out what we're thinking at any given moment.
The impulsive behaviour is something we have to learn to control. It may mean practicing slowing down our mind and finding ways to focus on what other people are saying. Really hearing someone is not like listening to them. By really hearing someone, you can learn a lot and you can relate to them a lot better. I found 12 Step programs great for practicing my listening skills. Everyone must take an uninterrupted turn of 3 to 5 minutes. You may have to listen to 3 or 4 or 6 people speak before it's your turn. Sounds hard, though it taught me that it can be done. If you have a hard time sitting and waiting a long time without doing or saying anything, I suggest you carry a stress ball. It is quiet and almost unnoticeable. Don't forget to do at least one hour of vigorous exercise such as swimming laps, biking, running or sports every day. That activates the mind and will help you calm down and focus. I also recommend Omega 3s. You need at least 5000mg per day. The liquid form is more economical and if you take it in Flaxseed oil, you can use it in salads if you don't like taking it straight.
Here's a big problem. We don't seem to have good judgement about boundaries. We get hurt a lot because of how vulnerable we make ourselves to others as we share too openly our lives, our thoughts and our visions. Why do we do this? I believe it's because we desperately desire closeness and acceptance in relationships. Again yesterday I heard a teen ADHDer say that she reveals her entire tainted past to people so they can get to know her quicker. I asked why that was so important and she said so she can connect or get close to people quickly. Wow! That's exactly the wrong thinking I grew up with that led me to sexual addiction and feelings of failure and aloneness.
If you are doing this, STOP!!! Unless you have tested someone to make sure they are safe, DO NOT divulge your life story. DO NOT put yourself into a vulnerable position with someone you don't know for sure is safe. DO NOT sleep with someone thinking they really care because they did something nice for you or because they gave you something special. As ADHDers, we need so much encouragement and acceptance for who we are, that we convince ourselves that people's nice gestures or words mean they love us before we test people to know if that's really true. Has anyone ever told you that you are naive or gullible? This may be why. It's really bad boundaries. I found a lot of good help with that from a book called, "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. They also wrote, "Boundaries for Children" and "Boundaries for Couples" which are both very helpful if you find yourself having problems setting limits with your children or with your spouse. Remember that many people don't set limits in relationships for fear that the other person will leave them. If someone cannot respect your boundaries, you shouldn't be with them. Boundaries are necessary for you to be in control of yourself. In the past, my lack of self-control allowed other people to control me. Self-control will set you free from the abuse of others.
I want to share three important things from Boundaries, which may be related to ADHD:
My biggest revelation has been the difference between closeness and intimacy. Like so many people who are looking for love in all of the wrong places, I thought my insatiable need for closeness WAS intimacy. The book explains that closeness is something we get from being physically close to someone. It makes us feel warm and fuzzy and so close to that person, which explains the deep need for sex. Intimacy is the real heart to heart sharing back and forth for the purpose of getting to know and understand each other. Intimacy happens over time, as people reveal themselves gradually. It builds trust and assurance that someone likes you for who you are. Then whether you have sex or not doesn't matter. You enjoy each other on a much deeper level. There is security and reassurance in intimacy that is not always found in closeness. Closeness can be felt with a one night stand whereas intimacy cannot.
I wish someone would have told me this when I was growing up. Luckily for me, my husband is an intimacy seeker. This has really stretched me because I can't just hide in closeness, I have to give him my heart which makes me vulnerable. As an ADHDer, I don't like emotional pain. Vulnerability sometimes produces emotional pain. How do I do it? I am kind to myself when I fail and I celebrate myself when I don't succeed. Every day I start over. I'm determined to keep my commitment to my marriage. My husband is a good man. He loves me even when I don't feel like he does. Sometimes my feeling fool me. I have to check for the truth in my brain.

My second revelation was how to balance a relationship with oneness and seperatness. All these years, I thought marriage meant spending as much time together as possible. I thought it was a sacrifice of what we love individually, to find things we enjoy together. This is my ADHD latch on behaviour at its peak. It leaves me either waiting anxiously at home for my husband to return; or it leaves me hurrying up frantically wherever I am to rush back home to my husband, feeling badly for having left him alone. In either situation, I cannot enjoy myself. The book helped me understand that for a marriage to have balance, each person needs to have 50% of togetherness and 50% of separateness. Each partner does things that they enjoy, on their own which creates some time for missing each other; and the time together creates the need for separateness. It is very unhealthy for one partner to work toward 100% togetherness. This will usually prompt the other partner to desire 100% separateness. Now I can stop waiting for my husband to come to ballroom dancing lessons and I can enjoy my ladies' tap class. This will help me enjoy my life a lot more and I'm sure it will put less pressure on my husband.

The third revelation is how to express your true feelings. Have you ever spent hours and hours discussing an issue with someone and thinking you were very clear with them about your feelings and nothing was resolved? Think back at how you expressed your feelings. Did you use words like, "I feel like he's..."? That's not how you feel but how you see him. When you say, "I feel that you..." you are putting the responsibility for your problem on the other person. To expressing a true feeling and produce discussion and intimacy, you must be ready to identify YOUR feeling. I feel sad, afraid, hurt, lonely... Using such language will allow you to speak about your responsibility for the issue. It's harder than it sounds. Sometimes, I can't pin point my exact feelings until I have gone through all of the feelings on a chart.

I hope this helps you. I really encourage you to read, "Boundaries".
Diane